United Kingdom announces plans for brand new rollercoaster

The United Kingdom today published plans for a new attraction to the fantasy themed entertainment complex. Construction of the rollercoaster will begin in the Cambridge area and will extend to the North Norfolk coast offering exhilarating loop the loops, corkscrews and the tallest drop ever constructed in a rollercoaster, which is also located in the largest theme park and entertainment complex ever constructed.

The attraction, yet to be named, is to be by far the most ambitious addition to the theme park, formally a country.

The United Kingdom will be celebrating its 100th anniversary of being a theme park next summer and it is anticipated that the construction will be finished in time for the associated festivities.

The UK ended its operations as a nation state and opened as a theme park after Wales finally became the last colonised country to secede from the cartel almost 100 years ago to join the rest of the world in glorious revolution shortly after The Event that caused the restructuring of society. With the entire of population of planet Earth being in opposition to the maintenance of nation states and a monarchy, the United Kingdom was forced to abandon its status as a country and reopen as a theme park featuring fantasy themes and figures such as castles, dragons, knights, kings, queens and spaghetti hoops.
The site is also regarded by historians and imperialism enthusiasts as an area of historical interest.

Local knight Sir Terrance Arsebottom told us the new development is “very welcome, we already have far too many wizards and useless royalty here, its starting to get old with the punters. A giant rollercoaster running all the way to Yarmouth is exactly what this theme park needs to compete in the Galactic market.”

The new rollercoaster will feature alongside existing attractions such as Bucketing Palace, a luxuriously decorated casino offering the finest service and games, the London Eyefull, and the Lake District.

 

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A rollercoaster

New uncontacted nazi tribe discovered in Amazon region

A new previously uncontacted tribe was discovered last week that has been existing in total isolation for their entire known history, dating back to before the Event that caused the total restructuring of society.

Deep in the Amazonian Rain Forest, which has been an area of galactic preservation since the foundation of the New Earth Colonies in 2158 the tribe that describe themselves as “Nazis” and have lead an entirely isolated existence for many decades with little to no knowledge of the outside world.

Speaking a hybrid of previously though dead languages known to historical linguists as “pig ignorance” and “utter shite”, it has proven very difficult for scientists to engage or converse with the tribesmen in any meaningful way, this problem with communication is made worse by their seeming generally unwillingness to speak with or cooperate with outsiders.

The tribe are thought to be the remnants of a lost military invasion force in the area dating back to what may have been a major international incident that occurred long before the Event.

Dr Rachel Funktastic, Professor of Alternative Theory Studies at Cloud 7 University suggests an alternative theory; that the tribe may have “fled to the region in order to hide and escape persecution precipitated by the restructuring of society shortly after or during the Event”.

Teams of Science Men will be observing the tribe closely from extra planetary satellites and will continue to monitor and report on their activities.

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A Native Amazonian Nazi tribesman attempting to communicate with our Cameraman.

Rock on Gaza 50th Aniversary celebration

Today marks the 50th anniversary of the iconic and world changing rock music event Rock On Gaza hosted in the former Palestinian territory with the intention of deciding on a solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict that had previously torn the area apart for decade, before the event that triggered the restructuring of society.

Celebrations were held in the Tony Blair Memorial Stadium, named after the organizer of the historic event that is recognized as many as the root cause of reconciliation in the area. Billed as a musical competition, and with both “countries” hiring the most expensive trainers and band managers, it was decided that it would be a winner takes all competition pitting Israelis and Palestinians against one other in a display of musical fortitude involving guitars, drum solos, leather trousers and egotistical front-men.

Originally purposefully constructed to hold this battle-of-the-bands competition that was to be the final decider as to who lays claim to the then disputed territories, the stadium has since been re-purposed as an all purpose event showcase, tourist attraction, bowling alley and post office.

Rock on Gaza is remembered by Gazan citizen Mohammed Cohen as being “A bloody damn good show” and he reminisced over how “the dual guitar solo at the end damn near melted my face clean off. It was beautiful”

The emotionally charged music event initially caused much divide as to who should be deemed winners after stellar performances by both entrants culminating in a 45 min guitar solo battle between the two chosen axemen of both countries which famously resulted in the unanimous decision of the entire population of the Middle East to simply abandon the notion of nation states and international borders, share the land and resources and just get on with life in peace and harmony, also known colloquially as Anti-Nakba day.

Celebrations will be held over the coming weekend and revelers are expected to contribute to traffic delays across the city as well as in neighboring areas The West Bank and Golan Heights, which will be hosting a tribute concert and fireworks display.

When asked to comment Gene Simmons, saxophone player and patent collector for legendary rock ‘n’ roll band Kiss said, “God gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to you, gave rock and roll to everyone, including the Israelis and Palestinians”.

 

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Local rock tribute band Jew 2 playing in The West Bank to celebrate Anti-Nakba day

North Pole opens world’s first care home for climate change deniers

 

The North Pole has officially opened the doors of its much speculated new medical center to specialize in the care for sufferers of climate change denial. The center boasts long stretches of white sand coast lines, swimming pools, evening entertainment and a large library of scientific texts.
Climate change denial has for decades been a serious problem for health professionals and the scientific community alike and the move towards a regime of treatment for those who suffer from the illness as opposed to humiliation is seen by many as a much more humanitarian approach.

Professor James Hetfield of the Psychiatric department of Atlantis University said the move was “very welcome” in his field and added “I can only hope we see more investment in these therapeutic holiday spas in the future”.

Local resident Mr S. Claus said he was “delighted to see economic activity return to the area.”

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North Pole Climate Change Denial Treatment center

Intergalactic Herstory month begins

This month marks the 75th annual celebration of Intergalactic Herstory Month, a month in the academic year where contributions of famous and influential women from both history and pre-event history marking out the imagined road map of the role of women in society from domesticated ornaments and childbearing machines in prehistoric times up until after the event which caused the total restructuring of society and when women were welcomed into the ranks of legitimate human beings and are permitted full administrative rights of their own lives as well as their own bodies.

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Influential women pioneers studied by school children this month include Oprah Winfrey, a famed television personality from before the event that caused the restructuring of society, Shelly X. Goldshoes – Former President of the First Earth Colonies and Ayn Rand, a famous fantasy fiction writer, also from before the event popular among prehistoric owners of nuclear bunkers.

World decides that it is no longer that interested in your genitals.

At the annual world summit on finally sorting out stupid and obvious things today the entire world finally came to the conclusion that it is no longer overly concerned with what you do with your own genitals. The land mark decision is greeted by millions of deviants, thrill-seekers and pretty much everyone who’s not a total prude across the solar system, and has been branded as “progressive as well as an excellent opportunity to focus on more important matters” by Professor Ivana Dumpling, head of common sense studies at Lunar State University.

The decision to no longer care about and document the whereabouts and contents of every penis and vagina in the world was also greeted exuberantly by historical figure, vehement sexual freedoms campaigner and centenarian Bill Clinton, who was well known for his rebellious streak and his fervent defense of the right to privacy during his administration as King of America in the days before the event leading to the total restructuring of society.

Other major outcomes from the summit include a resolution banning the manufacture and distribution of toasters that come with a setting that burns the toast to inedible cinders, and getting rid of those silly cardboard milk cartons that once opened cannot be resealed.